| Does anybody want the same as me? I mean wanting me. It hurts. It's torture. Just joking. |
[25 Jul 2005|05:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Butchies- So, Goodbye |
] |
I'm back home, if you can call it that. I hate Lakeland but I missed my family. I'm leaving for Decatur, GA Thursday. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone but this is something I have to do. I know 8 hours isn't some great journey but it will be my first time leaving this setting without my family. I won't know anyone, it will be new. I still feel really fragmented. At the latest, I will be back in early September. In time for school and all. I'm excited. I feel unnoticed, unappreciated, disconnected, tangled, and just generally exhausted. Maybe this will change things.
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| I worry I won't see your face light up again |
[16 Jul 2005|06:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Howie Day- Collide |
] |
Why do I get so attached? You can make me the most amazing person, real, spiritual, sensitive, but all of a sudden it all disappears. I don't know which hurts more. The fact she showed interest and left me wrecked and confused or that I don't know if I'll see this amazing person again. How can you be two people? Doesn't it get hard? I don't want sex. I want to be in love and loved in return. I'm sitting here crying and singing Howie Day, Pete Yorn, and Wilco. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I read the signs wrong. I need that kind of warmth I've never had. Being alone is probably the toughest thing I can think of. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I need someone to fill me with their warmth and light. And I need some that I can do the same for.
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| Little emo bitch |
[16 Jul 2005|04:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blargh!111 hangover death |
] |
I need a girl. Bad. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. Fuck being single. I'm worried I'm ready to settle. I'm going to see Halcyon tonight at Skippers.
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| Well I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky |
[05 Jun 2005|08:57pm] |
|
It's been an eventful week:
Drinking
Toking
Almost getting fired
I like to eat poop!
Gay Days at Disney
I could go into detail but that stuff isn't really all that important. Gay day was pretty fucking cool though. I fucking love Family Guy. I think I'll make some Ramen and continue to watch cartoons in my underwear. I am a straight up stereotypical nerd. Journey is so kick ass, especially when done karaoke style by Peter Griffin. I really want to see Fantastic Four.
I've had a lot on my mind. I don't feel quite right. I'm young, I'm in my fucking prime. I don't think about sex as much anymore. I kind of feel awkward when I do. What's wrong with me? I think maybe my moral issues keep resurfacing. I like sex and all but this time last year I was all down with casual sex. Now I really don't think I'm capable of it. I think I just don't want to get hurt. I really want to meet a good person. Someone warm, honest, concerned. Someone that is looking for something dedicated, long term. That hasn't happened for me yet. I have yet to have a long term relationship with a girl. is there something wrong with me. I had an 8 month relationship with a guy in high school and emotionally it was great for a long time. Then I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and things kind of went down from there. I don't know. Am I too young to be thinking like this? I think I'm really just afraid to get out there and meet people.
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| Two words... |
[24 May 2005|12:00pm] |
|
Gay Days. It's next weekend. Friday is Epcot, Saturday is Universal, and Sunday is Magic Kingdom. You know you're excited.
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| Ramble ramble ramble |
[22 May 2005|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
I rode the city bus to downtown with Al. It was pretty exciting/kinda scary. Gone thrifting more times than I can count. Selling a glass pipe with bamboo resin pick. Unused and it's pretty fucking cool looking. Don't ask why, personal reasons that involve me quitting while I'm ahead.
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| Queer as Lincoln in leather hot pants |
[14 May 2005|10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Sometimes life just feels really lonely. I have trouble connecting with other people. I'm not really sure why but it seems to run in my family. Well, the males anyway...and me for some reason. My dad was pretty much a loner and I know both of my brothers are. My two sisters are pretty likable and sociable. My mom is sociable in her circle of foreign religious fanatics. So I've got two choices, learn to play nice and make friends or live with my social retardation. I was doing ok for a little while, but I met a few guys whose purpose was to get into my pants. First, I'm gay. The first guy, I can't blame him too much because I was going through that questioning phase. The next guy... Well I dunno I think I look as queer as Lincoln in leather hot pants. I feel bad. He still wants to be friends though. Aww. Adjusting to adulthood is still kinda rough for me. It happened all at once. I'm lonely right now. I only really notice when I wake up alone. When my insurance pays out I want to get a scooter. Lol. I could totally get a brand new scooter or another used Geo. The way I see it, the scooter has more power. I miss my shitty delivery job. It was wicked easy and the money was good. I'm thinking of getting a canvasing job. It should be pretty easy. Maybe I'll work on campus. Being an adult sucks just so you kids know. I'm not even a real adult yet. I need to find a new shitty job so I don't starve to death. At least I've got free rent. For now though, I'll finish watching Comedy Central in my underwear. I'm kinda hungry.
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| When did modern life become an silly facade for living? |
[11 May 2005|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
I'm definitely melancholy. My brother's are giving my sister a hard time because she wants to be a vegetarian. She's more flighty than I am. I don't think this will last long. I feel like a fucking high school kid again. I go from being exactly where I want to be to being ripped every which way. I feel like I did in high school. Angsty, confused, and lost. Probation adds to the effect. It's like after school work detail for big kids. Big, stupid kids. What do you do when you need someone to talk to but you've basically alienated yourself from everyone you know. I feel like hell. The dust there kills me and my spine is all kinds of angry. I feel a little better. Three reasons:
1) I just got done talking to Al and that always makes me happy
2) Dinner is ready
3) There is chocolate pie
The little fat girl in me is elated.
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| They're signing up new seamen fast |
[08 May 2005|11:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Village People- In The Navy |
] |
I'm in Lakeland again. Jesus Christ. So basically no sex for a week. Being with my mom for a week. Working at Goodwill for a week. I'm a fucking champ. Oh well. At least it will get done. Right now I'm listening to the Village People. I fucking love this incredible campy gay icon. I think us young gays need to be more familiar with camp. I want to fucking teach a class on gay culture one day. I want to go bowling in drag. Who wants to join me? I want some fucking boys too. I need to meet some girls. I've been single for months now. That's new for me. Where are all the interesting single gay/bi girls? I suck at meeting people. I'm tired so I think I'm going to bed.
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| Enough of this Tom Foolery |
[04 May 2005|06:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
I finished making out my schedule for this summer and fall. I also shopped around for textbooks. Amazon is wicked cheap. Cheaper than Gray's and USF. I am also the master of getting financial aid. Tomorrow I return to Lakeland to finish up my community service then I'm done with that hellhole. I mean sure, I'll visit the family and all but it won't be a fucking 4 day a week thing. I start summer classes on the 16th. By the end of the summer, I'll have all my credits I missed out on first semester. I have a bunch of Women's Studies and Environmental Science classes. I get off probation in about a month. Celebratory measures are in order.
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| I get my lovin' on the run |
[28 Apr 2005|11:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 deranged |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Steve Miller Band- The Joker |
] |
Ok, so I really don't think I'm bi or whatever. A recent experiment helped set this straight, so to speak. I don't really feel bad using the boy because he's a little slutty. I found myself appalled and incapable of returning his physical advances. PUSSY SAYS NO! It knows what's best. Always. I'm not a fan of phalluses, unless they run on watch batteries and have vibrating and pulsating settings (oh good God). I forgot what it was like to be proud. A lot of people ask, why be proud of being gay? I didn't just decide to have an incredible fondness for the ladies but I did decide that I could be proud. Gay pride is one the most beautiful, colorful, diverse movements I've ever seen. We have to be proud. We have to set ourselves apart in a world that still treats us as second class citizens at best, beasts for the slaughter at worst. I cannot marry, adopt, or be guaranteed equal treatment by the law. My first car was a beacon of flamboyant pride and I was pulled over all the time for no reason. My second, which I drove much more as I was a pita delivery bitch, was never pulled over. I love being gay. People hate me and fear me for no reason. In fact, I think I'm about to come out to my mom. After my financial troubles are over anyway. Today, I am filled with self love. I am strong, queer, angry, vindictive, and damn proud of it. How could I forget how good it felt to be proud. Is it really worth the price of "fitting in" to some mold I don't really give a flaming Republican's ass about? I think not. I feel alienated when I try to be bi. In fact, I feel even more alienated because I'm lying to myself. I hates me some penis. I don't hate men, just the penis. I am afraid that my intimate chamber shall never house a fleshy phallic organ. nineteen year old filipino lesbian virgin! Seriously, if you think my shirts are tight... Hahahaha. I am too proud to be silent. Silence is death. If I don't stand up for who I am, no one will. I have to be loud, vulgar, anything to be heard. Every day the Religious Reich makes a new attempt at burying us and hiding our very existence. A judge in Alabama is trying to enact a down home book burning. He is trying to have any book written by a queer or with queer characters pulled from the shelves. That means no Tennessee Williams, Oscar Wilde, Allen Ginsberg, and various authors of fiery tomes.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/04/26/eveningnews/main691106.shtml
I'm not taking this shit anymore. I'm tired of little fucking teens calling me dyke, parents glaring, the fact that I can't get a decent job. If you want a fight, you found one (I'm not talking about a fist fight, by the way; this is something far more profound).
In other news, I saw one of my ex-roommates. Look kids, it was cute before but now it's just annoying. Michele, love, learn to fight your on battles. You shouldn't need to call your girlfriend for help. Threatening for her is adorable. I think you two should just move on because you sure as hell aren't getting any money out of me. I don't really care about your posters and shit talking because well I've got better things to do with my life. You want to fight? That's great. I really don't see how your machismo solution will really solve anything. It would just prove us to be barbaric. Neither of us would win. You still wouldn't get your money and I'd still have incredible contempt for ridiculously infantile behavior. Threats of your girlfriend kicking my ass are pretty fucking hilarious. Maybe you should invest more time pilates instead of trying to insult/scare me because it ain't working kid.
And I'm spent. Now I'm going to situate my new room, take a shower, and bask in the warm, cancerous glow of Apollo's flaming sphere so that I have some color for tonight's luau.
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| Bullshit |
[23 Apr 2005|10:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Al making weird, sleeping, whimper noises |
] |
It's been a while since I've updated. The Goddamn Geo died on Earth Day. A sign perhaps? I've been getting around on bike which is kind of nice. I went thrift whoring with Al yesterday because we are champs like that. Got some cute shit. Monday I threw up vodka all over my room. Mmm. I had a little mini seizure too but I was ok after much vomiting. Other bad things happened that we won't get into. It just made me realize how much I hate people again. Not just boys, people in general. My two girls of last summer reinforced my hatred also. I can't believe it's almost been a year since the start of my troubles. Just a little longer and I'm in the clear. I'll be of probation soon. June will be the latest. I'm looking for a job that sucks less. I hate food service, I hate the customers, and I hate two of the owners I've met. If the bastard hit on me I'd probably throw up in my mouth a lot. But if you like him, you know whatever. If I catch him on my bike again I'm going to bend him over the counter and spank him with the spatula. I need some kind of decent hair cut. My mom is on her way to pick me up. She wanted me to drive the death cart to Lakeland. Lol.
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| I hate waking up alone |
[17 Apr 2005|10:07pm] |
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You ever notice when you really need someone you're alone? I don't get it. Is it me? I don't get people or get along with them. Tomorrow I'll be 19. I fucked up my first year of adulthood pretty fucking bad. I need some reassurance. I feel really alone all the time. Is alienation of this severity normal? Maybe it's just one of those days.
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| Where'd all the good people go? We got heaps and heaps of what we sow... |
[16 Apr 2005|05:18am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jack Johnson- Good People |
] |
I wrote this huge post and killed it somehow. Basiclly it just said that I forgive people for all the asshole things they've done to me (beating me up, blaming me for their drugs, stealing my car, lying to me, using me, etc). It also said something about me not wanting to be a bitch. I only want to fight you if you're killing the planet. Maybe all the words weren't necessary for the message I want to convey. I need to find some meaning. I don't really like my job. I think I thought I did because it's easy. The entry I wrote started out more pessimistic and ended up here. I love Jack johnson and want to learn to play acoustic. I'm still looking for myself. I think I've been looking in all the wrong places. Tomorrow I'm going to "expand my mind." Not with grass. I'm thinking maybe after work you'll find me listening to some Jack Johnson, sitting under a shady tree, and reading a book.
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| Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm |
[16 Apr 2005|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
You ever feel completely alone? Not just a little lonely but completely ostracized. I don't get anyone. I hate fighting with people. I feel like nobody really cares to get me. Monday, I will have been an adult for a full year. 19. It's been one hell of a year but in my one year of adulthood I think I've learned more about life than the rest of my adolescence combined. Life is harsh, confusing, constantly changing. I just need someone to tell me I'm going to be ok. My mom has lost basically all faith in me. I haven't talked to most of my friends in God knows how but I don't really care to. I don't feel like I belong here. I kind of wish I'd wake up and this will all have been a bad dream. Why can't I connect with anyone? Why do I suck at being human? I feel more like some projection of some sort. Not really existing on this plane. I need to relate to someone. I don't feel like there is a point anymore. I know that 19 is far to early to even think this way but I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm angry, bitter, short tempered, mildly pessimistic, more likely to steer queer, kind of shallow, moody, given over to an increasingly violent attitude, and somewhat off. I hate apathetic people, consumer whores, SUVs, racists, sexists, homophobes, morons, people who start or perpetuate drama, people whose vocabulary only includes monosyllabic words, people who waste their chance at an education, warmongers, and the like. Maybe there is a reason I don't fit in. The thing is I don't want to change. I like who I am. Maybe my solitude is necessary for something. I'm not sure what. The older I get the harder I am to get along with. Maybe it's hereditary. Both my parents and brothers were loners. My older sister I don't know so much about. My younger sister is the leader of her social circle but finds difficulty in connecting with her peers. I just need someone to tell me I'm ok. That what I'm feeling is normal. Someone help me out. I need advice, preferably from someone wiser and older (even if just a little). My mom wants to take me out to dinner for my birthday. That should be interesting. I just wanted to get completely fucked and forget I exist for a little while. If someone could help me in that area, I would fucking owe you one.
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| OMFG My Intestines |
[11 Apr 2005|07:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
Got blazed. Had chili from Steak N' Shake. My brain kinda hurts. I think I'm one of those quiet chill tokers. Quiet for me anyway. Everything feels all out of fucking order and has the scrambled feel of a blocked porn channel. I wrote this long rant yesterday in Munn Park. It was nice and warm and I needed some time to chill. I'm getting fucking fat. Goddamn. I'll probably post the rant later and then the thing I wrote the other day. The other thing is kind of pathetic so I'm thinking maybe no. I have to drive to Tampa soon so I can go to work. Goddamn. So the sleepy. I'll just hit Jamba Juice and get an energy smoothie. By the way, the chili is wreaking havoc on my intestines.
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| Should I trust this dialect to convey the right effect |
[09 Apr 2005|12:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
HelloGoodbye- Shimmy Shimmy Quarterturn |
] |
I want to feel alive again. I want so much. I feel so much. I try so hard but it seems that failure is the most likely consequence. Is life completely devoid of meaning? No. I'm still burning bright. I'm angrier but better now. I'm letting go of ever thing that's holding me back. Basically, Polk County. I'll be done with my probation soon and after that I won't have much use being here. Occasionally to visit my family. This place is cancerous to me. Every time I slave away in Goodwill or pee in a cup all I feel is all that fucking betrayal. You had all better stay the hell away. Everyone who lent a hand in my downfall. It was my fault but it didn't help to have a bunch of bastards who'd rather save their own asses and let one poor fucker fail. I have a better fucking chance at not fucking up than a lot of you bastards. God I'm angry. So much for loyalty. I've been nearly raped, roughed up, left while fucking wasted, had my car stolen, cheated on, shafted out of money, used for rides, and just so much shit that friends don't do. I feel like I can't fucking trust anymore. I don't feel fucking alienated anymore. I just don't like many people. I'm just an asshole. I'm so fucking done forgiving. I'm just fucking hacking this limb off. I won't miss it. In a few years I plan on moving to California for graduate school. If you want me to trust you, you're going to have to show some strong fucking loyalty. I'm looking for comrades. This doesn't apply to Al or Jamie because they are such amazing motherfuckers and I love them more than I love my hair. All the kids at work are pretty fucking awesome too. I so fucking pissed at Polk County Syndrome. I know a bunch of you are going to end up in fucking dead end jobs. Do something now and save yourselves (personally, I don't think PCC fucking counts but I'm an angry elitist bitch. Hell, I'm not even sure if USF counts. Well, it is a university). No one is going to help you. In the end you're going to stand alone because people don't care enough to help or they are too busy with their own problems. I'm just fucking lucky my mom is helping me or my ass would be in jail. Cut the ties now. It's easier that way. Get out. See the world. Quit bitching about how life sucks because your parents won't let you go to some crappy concert or get a piercing. I have real fucking problems. I have to find a place to stay this summer, get my grades up, finish probation, and keep in touch with my psychologist (once she gets through the wait list). I went fucking apeshit crazy right after my dad died and I am just now recovering. Life isn't as hard as any of us make it out to be. I may still be slightly apeshit crazy but I am enjoying the hell out of life. I'm making the most of what I've got. I'm working mad hours, I'm going to take some summer classes, and I'm pursuing counseling. I'm also becoming the fucking monstrous bitch I was when I was younger. Pre-senior year. I fucking love being sarcastic and mean. I don't really like many people. Especially dumb mother fuckers. I had this delivery that was late because I had to do instore and the woman started to bitch so I just turned around and walked out. Fuck everyone. Fuck traffic. Fuck stupid people. Fuck cheap bastards who don't tip. You had all better fucking tip every driver. It's not always their fault when shit is late. We only make $2 an hour. Ok this rant is over...for now. Be careful because I will go fucking apeshit and break your motherfucking face. This is mostly dedicated to the motherfuckers who take advantage of drunk girls or cheat on their girlfriends (especially with fucking 14 year olds). Fuck you Goddamn sons of fucking whores. What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you get any satisfaction out of fooling around with a fucking kid who is completely fucking trashed. I'm full of fucking hate right now. This is also dedicated to people who don't take responsibility for their actions.
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| Thinking? Leave that to the Europeans. |
[07 Apr 2005|12:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drrrrr what |
] |
My hawk is teh sex. That guitar guy hit on me again. He's cute. I still prefer me some angry bitchy girls. Why am I so androgynous. I made a delivery to The Tampa Tribune and one woman referred to me as "he" and the other "she" as they talked to me at the same time. Then at the MC some girls yelled, "It's the delivery boy, girl, person! Our savior!" Hahahaha. I hate thinking in such binary terms. Why is gender classification so necessary? Can't we just say person (Northern accent mother fucker)? I dunno. Probably not. I'm between genders most days. I'm hoping that I can meet someone who is cool with who I am. I'm masculine and feminine. I don't think I lean to either side more. I could date anyone as long as they he/she was a decent person and shared interests with me. For me, love is gender blind, mothafuckas. That's if love is even real. That I'm not sure of. I inch near two decades of life. I feel unfulfilled, lacking, incomplete, but hopeful because I have something to work at. The end of childhood has shattered basically everything I've known to be true. I've changed. I always promised myself i wouldn't but it is necessary to avoid extinction. I love me some androgynous boys and girls. My thoughts are so erratic. I'm horny in addition to the scatter-mindedness. Goddamn message board fell off the wall again.
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| Can't sleeeeep |
[06 Apr 2005|01:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crazy |
] |
I had a 16 oz energy drink and 16 0z energy smoothie for lunch and I'm still going insane. I'm really horny too. Probably shouldn't go posting that. But hell, all of like four people read this and they know I'm always fucking horny. I really need to find someone who's into to kinky stuff. I don't think I'm capable of just regular sex/fooling around. I need the added bonus of some kinky shit man. I am so motherfucking crazy. I bet I'll regret posting this in the morning. Probably not. You all know how I do. I mean hell, how many of you saw the lock box when I used to keep it in my car so my mom wouldn't find it in my room? I'll be 19 soon. Schweeeet. My head is fuzzy. Yay. At the same time I want someone to cuddle with. I dunno. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm content with being single but I miss cuddling. Goddamn I am a fucking whiney nerd. Must sleep. Work tomorrow. Goddamn.
END TRANSMISSION
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| Yay and umm crap |
[05 Apr 2005|09:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
It was actually a pretty damn good day. Al actually drove for most of my deliveries. Man I feel pretty bad. I'll make it up to you. I love getting paid every day. I bought a hideous tight shirt and got my hair cut. Yay mohawk. So far 3 three guys have initiated some hitting on me by complimenting the hair. Lol. Some guy asked if it was bad that he was oddly aroused. Lol. I just grinned and walked over. I knew the guy he was hanging out with so I decided to say hey. I think the shirt makes me look fat. I have to go and help Jamie. I got fucking hit today on a delivery in a parking lot. Pictures later.
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